I Am Afraid to Make Plans

I want to say yes.

When someone invites me somewhere, there is a part of me that genuinely wants to go.

But there is another part that immediately starts calculating.

That is three weeks away.

I do not know how I will feel in three weeks.

I might be fine.

I might be in the middle of a flare.

I might have to cancel.

And I have canceled so many times.

I have seen the look on people's faces.

The understanding that is not quite understanding.

The way they say it is fine when I can hear that it is not entirely fine.

So now I hesitate before I commit to anything.

I say maybe instead of yes.

I say I will try.

I say let me see how I feel.

And people think I am being noncommittal.

But what I am actually doing is protecting myself from the guilt of canceling.

And protecting them from the disappointment.

And protecting the friendship from one more time I did not show up.

The fear of making plans is a rational response to the unpredictability of chronic pain. But over time it becomes its own kind of loss — the loss of spontaneity, of connection, of the ability to look forward to things.

As the nervous system finds more stability, the unpredictability of pain often decreases. Not always. But often enough to matter.

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Related: My World Has Gotten Smaller · Good Days Are Complicated When You Have Chronic Pain · Why Chronic Pain Keeps the Body on High Alert