I Miss Who I Was Before the Pain

I grieve a version of myself that most people around me never knew.

The person who could make plans and keep them.

Who had energy at the end of the day.

Who could go somewhere without calculating the cost.

Who did not have to think about whether a chair would be comfortable enough.

Who did not have to leave early.

Who did not have to say no.

I miss that person.

Not because I think she was better.

But because she was free.

Free in her body in a way I have not been for a long time.

And the strange thing about this grief is that nobody around me understands it.

Because they did not know her.

They only know me as I am now.

And sometimes I feel like I am mourning someone that nobody else even noticed was gone.

Grieving a former self is one of the least talked about parts of living with chronic pain. It is a real and valid loss — not weakness, not self-pity.

Many people find that as the nervous system begins to regulate, there is a gradual return — not to who they were before, but to a version of themselves that feels more present, more capable, more at home in their own body.

That is what BioBreathing is working toward, one breath at a time.

Begin your free 5-minute reset →

Related: I Started Apologizing for Having a Body That Hurt · Why Chronic Pain Keeps the Body on High Alert · I Look Fine, So People Think I'm Fine